Control is an illusion

Reactions plunge us into confusion, and we, quite literally, don't know what we are doing or why we are doing it.

There isn't an on-off switch for confusion, but there are degrees.

Perhaps you think that meditation practice will give you the ability to control your reactions?

Even in reading this note, you don't know what is going to happen moment to moment. You don't know what the next sentence will say. Nor do you know how you will react to it. It may make you cry. It may make you laugh. It may leave you confused.

Control is an illusion.

What happens when a colleague teases you in front of your coworkers? Right now, imagine that happening. Are you able to control the reactions in your body as you imagine everyone laughing at you? What would happen in the actual situation. Are you able to control what emotions arise? Are you able to control the thoughts, the stories, that start to run?

What happens when an attractive woman or man approaches you and places a hand on your arm? What happens when a person you admire greatly compliments you or asks you for your opinion? What happens when you see a homeless person sleeping in an alley on a cold rainy night? What happens when he asks you for change?

Reactions just happen. Everyone in every culture reacts the same way to certain stimuli. Many of these reactions are biologically conditioned. Current research on micro-expressions reveals that facial expressions across cultures are remarkably consistent. What is different is the duration of the expression, which is measured in microseconds. You don't control the actual reaction.

If you are practiced, when reactions arise you don't act on them. You don't fall into confusion, and you are able to decide what to do on the merits of the moment.

How does this work?

Ordinarily, a reaction, say anger, comes up and it takes you over. In other words, you fall into confusion right away. You don't even notice it coming. You are suddenly yelling or seething or stomping out of the room.

When you have practiced a bit, that same reaction comes up, you recognize you are reacting, but it keeps running. Your head may be above water, but you are still deep enough in confusion to be swept along by the current.

When you have practiced a bit more, when that reaction comes up, you recognize it, you can even stay in the experience of your body tensing, but you don't know what to do or say. You don't express your anger, but you feel a bit stupid, tongue-tied as it were. You aren't completely lost, but the confusion of anger still trips you up.

After you have practiced quite a bit, when anger comes up, you recognize it, experience it and are able to respond, rather than react. You don't fall into confusion because it isn't there.

What do you control here -- the reaction, the recognition, not being able to respond, or being able to respond? You don't control any of those! But the confusion has dissolved.

What dissolves confusion is the momentum and energy that have built up through your practice; it is your path that dissolves confusion, not you.

We practice, not to be able to control reactions, but to create other possibilities in our lives.

This article by Ken McLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The Blame Game

Blame is refreshing, because it is so unambiguously a reaction. You don't have to think or wonder about it. As soon as you see you are running the blame game, you know you are in reaction.

Stop right there. What's happening?

Clearly, things didn't turn out the way you expected or wanted. You are frustrated and disappointed, and you can't tolerate those feelings. You don't want to feel this way.

You have a story about what happened, but that story is immediately suspect because in it, you are the hero. You use logic and reason, the opinions of others, support from friends or colleagues, to bolster your story. You are right!

But remember, when it comes to blame, reason is a weapon you use when you do not want to acknowledge your anger.

Or, depending on your predilections, you turn it around. You still have a story and you still have a privileged role, but this time, you are wrong. It's all your fault.    

To counter this pattern, the first instruction is to lay all your problems, everything that is wrong in your life, at the doorstep of one pattern: wanting things to be different from what they are. Blame is a wonderful reminder here of how deeply you want the world to conform to your expectations.

The second instruction is to meet whatever arises. Don't avoid it, internally or externally. When things turn out differently, meet that situation, not the one you wanted or expected.

One last point. Blame is a form of mind killing. It reduces the complexities of a situation down to one emotionally charged point. It blinds you to the role of other factors. It provokes reactions that lead people to act against their interests.

Thus, when the blame game is running, stop. Stop right there. Step out of your story. Step out of your judgments. Step out of your obsession with who's right and who's wrong. Step out of your racing mind.

Take a breath and meet the world you are in.  

This article by Ken McLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

How do you recognize a reactive pattern?

How do you recognize a reactive pattern? Well, one of the features is that they're mechanical in nature. What's one of the characteristics of a mechanical system? No variation. It just runs one way. So, one way to identify a reactive pattern is, "Must be this way, can't be that way. Must have this, can't have that." Any time you have that going on in you, chances are you're running a reactive pattern.

We run into this all the time, and and we have many ways of saying, "It has to be this way." An example is, "Conversations have to be peaceful, can't have conflict". Or for other people, "Conversations can't be peaceful, have to have conflict." This is the same reactive pattern running in a different direction.

So any time you run into that kind of inflexibility you 're dealing with a reactive pattern.

Source: Awakening from Belief

This article by Ken McLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.